Is there one person in your partnership that always brings up the issues? Whether that’s you or your partner, chances are there are some real feelings of disconnection and loneliness all around. On today’s episode, it’s all about how our attachment styles guide our gut instincts to either distance ourselves from conflict or try to smooth it over right away. We discuss what might be happening when there’s a mismatch between those two styles in a partnership, and how stepping up and learning to raise issues is an amazing way to show your partner that they’re being seen and heard. Of course, we offer you some tips on how to get into those conversations, and even discuss what to do to help short-circuit the anger and resentment that might be building up, helping both you and your partner come together more relationally.

We want to thank you all, our dear listeners for staying with us through this, our fourth and final episode of the Discord Builds Trust…No Really bonus mini-series! We hope that these episodes have inspired you to start leaning into the messy moments in your own lives, risking a little discord, and building a little trust…no, really!

Thanks again for listening, and we hope you join us again in just a couple of weeks for the launch of Season 5 on July 18th!

Ok, so maybe we’ve convinced you that Discord Builds Trust (No Really!). You’re on board, you’re practicing sitting with your learned beliefs, and you're cultivating curiosity. Now the moment arrives. There’s disconnect, hurt, something went wrong. What do you do? How do you get out of this place and into the trust (no…really!)

On today’s episode of our mini-series, the question is “Why does my partner want me to just get over the hurt?” We start off flipping the question on its head and pointing out some unspoken feelings inside of that question, which takes us into picking apart the difference between toxic shame and remorse. Finally, we share some strategies for getting out of that shame pit and into a more relational space, ready for repair.

Check out this framework for apology and accountability from Mia Mingus, which we reference in today’s episode.

Hello and welcome to episode two of our mini-series, Discord Builds Trust…No Really!

It’s such a natural, human thing to want to avoid conflict. We all do it! But when we do, we’re missing the chance to have a new experience of trying something hard with someone we love, and finding out that we can do it. That’s why we call it earning trust.

Our bodies and our brains are primed to remember past struggles and do everything they can to protect us by avoiding the same thing happening again. That doesn’t just apply to our own lived experiences, but also to the generations of learning that have been passed down to us from our ancestors. They teach us that certain things aren’t ok to bring up, are dangerous to even think or feel. That’s what Resmaa Menakem is talking about when he says, “Trauma decontextualized in a people over time can look like culture.”

In this series, we’re inviting you to become more aware of these learned beliefs and to sit with them with compassion and kindness. When you do, you have a golden opportunity to blend that learning with other parts of your brain that can take in the world around you as it’s happening right now.

You may want to try this exercise from Dan Siegel, which we share in today’s episode. It’s an acronym called BASIC: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Image, Cognition. Take it one piece at a time, in any order, asking yourself the questions and observing with curiosity and kindness:

Behavior: What am I doing right now? Is my body being pulled to move, or not move in some way?

Affect: What am I feeling? Can I notice it and give it a name?

Sensation: What are my five senses taking in, and what am I feeling in my body?

Image: what images come to mind when I sit in this place? Pictures? Sense memories?

Cognition: What thoughts am I having? What meaning am I making up about what’s going on inside and around me right now?

We’re back, dear listeners, as promised with a bonus mini-series: Discord Builds Trust…No Really! We’re not kidding with you on this one. So then why are we sometimes more comfortable with superficial, surface level topics? We’re opening up this conversation by acknowledging that intimacy is hard, and vulnerability can be scary, and wait – just what is a surface level topic, anyway? The truth is, if you’re feeling like there’s a mismatch between you and your partner on how deeply you’re connecting, there’s a lot of reasons why that could be the case. What feels comforting and close to you might feel invasive and controlling to your partner, and what is light and playful to them could feel superficial or avoiding to you. In these moments of discord, when our visions of what we want our relationships to look like come into conflict with who our partners really are, that’s when we can put aside our agendas and approach the conversation with curiosity and connection, with a real desire to learn something new about our partners and offer them the opportunity to learn something about us, too.